Tuesday, November 18, 2014

how to grow a project

This How To tutorial can be used in almost any circumstance. Simply replace your verbs and nouns with more specific words applying to your task.  However, if you follow this tutorial I am not responsible for your ensuing troubles, including but not limited to wallet shrinkage.

Stage One: Awareness
  1. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Mop it up and wash yet more towels.
  2. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room.  Note that it has happened before but put it to the back of your mind.
  3. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Note that it has happened before and decide to pay attention to when it happens.
  4. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Note that it is happening more regularly. Remember to mention it to your spouse.
  5. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room.  Tell your spouse that this is the night the washer has to come out to inspect the situation.
Stage Two: Investigation
  1. Remove baseboards so washer can be moved. It fits tightly into the space. Very tightly.
  2. On the count of three, heave the washer out of the space. 
  3. Run a load of dirty towels which were used earlier in the day to mop up from the washer.
  4. Use three more towels to mop up from the washer which leaks while it washes the towels from before. Wonder where you got so many old towels.
  5. Note that the outside and underside of the washer are totally dry. Realize you're going to have to call a plumber.

Stage Three: Worry
  1. Panic when you see mold on the wall. Investigate black colored mold and discover that Black Mold is something really, really awful. 
  2. Buy gloves and face masks.
  3. Decide it is ordinary mold. Notice that the plumber is just using a sponge and bleach. 
  4. Decide that maybe you don't really care what kind of mold you have. Correct that to "had" and feel much better about decision.
Stage Four: Money (Technically this stage is easy)
  1. Regard calendar and daily schedules and arrange for plumber (conveniently also contractor.)
  2. Do it again when he says the problem is in the pipes inside the wall, not in the washer.
  3. And again when he says he needs to rip out the wall and possibly part of the slab.  
  4. Give him a key so he can come back three more times over the period of two weeks to check on the dampness of the wood studs in the wall and proclaim them, "still too wet" to close up the wall.
Stage Five: Adapting
  1.  Remain flexible about location of washer, which has been positioned in front of dryer and in front of door for three weeks now.
  2. Hit your head (again) and wonder how many more days until you can put the washer back.
  3. Wrench your back (again) and wonder how many more weeks until you can put the washer back.
  4. Get estimate for permanently moving both washer and dryer for future convenience. 
  5. Say "thanks anyway" to plumber (conveniently also contractor) and continue current discomfort for several more weeks.
Stage Six: False Congratulations
  1. Feel relief that the wood in the wall is finally dry enough for the wall to be rebuilt. Yay! The laundry room will return to its original state!
  2. Realize that plumber (conveniently also contractor) is putting up drywall. And coming back the next day to remud it. And the next Monday to sand it.
  3. Notice that drywall is green, mud is white. Room used to be dark blue.
  4. Realize that the new section of wall needs a coat of paint.
  5. But primer first.
Stage Seven: In for a Penny, In for a Pound
  1.  Discover that you have no dark blue paint since the room was this color when you bought the house in 1999.
  2. Think that it makes more sense to paint the room with one of the many leftover cans of paint you own. Maybe the kitchen's pale yellow.
  3. Two coats of primer. On the whole room.
Stage Eight: Start the Project
  1. Look at the amount of Stuff kept in that small space and watch it grow like a wet sponge as it comes out and fills the whole kitchen. Try to squeeze a step stool into the space vacated by all the stuff and see that it barely fits.
  2. Remove the switch plate covers with a screwdriver.
  3. Remove the shelving with a different one. And a hammer.
  4. Dust the dang walls so the spiderwebs and dryer lint don't get painted.
  5. Start priming the trim/edges, moving the step stool in and out multiple times and tripping over the washer hoses each time.
  6. Hit your head, elbow, hip and knee in a continuing sequence.
Stage Nine: It Will Never End
  1. As you wash primer from your brush, roller and hands, realize how many more times you'll need to do this since you can't even start half the room until the washer and dryer move to their original locations.Wonder if it will ever get done.
  2. Notice the build up of laundry around the house. Wonder if it will ever get done.


Thursday, October 30, 2014

train wreck

I haven't talked much about The Paid Job here. Funny Kid Stories are harder to come by than Stupid Kid Stories, and seeing as the kids aren't mine, writing about them even anonymously worries me.  But I'm with all those kids regularly and, for the most part, feeling useful and good.

Most of my time recently has been with Vomit Girl.  (See how I use a fake name to keep her anonymous?) Even after all these weeks, Vomit Girl is so anxious about school, that she-- (do we really need to fill in the blank here?)  I took a change of clothes today in anticipation.  (Joy, Fun and Goodness!) But Vomit Girl was out with a stomach bug today.  (I feel like the straight man waiting for the comedian to get the punch line here:  "How would you know?")

Nevertheless, I was in my boss' office discussing who I might go see and work with instead. She mentioned Impulse Control Boy and I brought up Control Freak just as the girl's teacher walked in and asked me if I could come see Mr. Hurting People Lately because his lack of social skills is becoming a problem in her classroom and his mom is concerned.  It occurred to me that In Your Face Girl also needed some follow-up and maybe I could do a social skills group.  Then it was obvious to all three of us that Chaos Boy would also need to be included and suddenly we all got quiet and serious. Chaos Boy's mom is a teacher at our school and his behavior is a Very Touchy Subject.

I was full of confidence at this point. A social skills group! I could do this regularly and teach that little group of four year olds how to make friends and how to play without controlling, hitting, grabbing, kissing (yes this is a problem) or otherwise causing chaos and repelling their peers.

I had a couple of minutes to think about this plan before the day started. I grabbed a book about personal space and confirmed that I could use an empty classroom. What else would I need? (As I said, full of confidence.)

The five were all excited to come with me. (Cool. All's well so far.)

We entered the empty classroom and they all started grabbing toys off the shelf.  I dealt with that and gathered them on the carpet. (Doing ok...)

I showed them my book and asked if any of them knew what 'personal space' meant.  In Your Face Girl could easily have licked my nose while she told me with much excitement that Yes! She knew what it was and she had the very same book at home!  All five of them proceeded to tell me what it meant-- (although I doubt they knew-- everyone was talking at once and I really have no idea what they were saying.)

I read the story, then got into In Your Face Girl's face when I spoke about it again. I thought she'd back away, but she didn't notice (hmm.) I tried it with Impulse Control Boy. He began to incessantly tap me on the arm while telling me that I was too close. (Yay? He learned something?) Control Freak was also telling me what I was doing wrong (technically she was right) and with her authoritative face she looked ready to lead the group.  (Nothing like getting a finger waved in your face while being told by a four year old how wrong you are.)

Chaos Boy was trying to escape. I touched him lightly to encourage him to come back, and he cringed away from my hand. (This child needs lots of personal space!)

We finished talking about the book and I decided I wanted to do a group block building activity. They each pulled out a toy. I insisted they put away all the toys. I chose one that none of them had picked. I put a box of train tracks on the floor and talked about how putting it in the middle helped everyone reach. (They gave me "yeah, whatever" eyes.)

Immediately Control Freak told everyone that we were going to make a track in a circle. Impulse Control Boy and Chaos Boy had already started making their own tracks. Hurting People Boy seemed to be doing fine until I noticed that he'd pre-counted the trains and realized there weren't enough for everyone. His method of solving that problem was to sit on them hoping no one could see them. Impulse Control Boy is also Copycat Boy and so he grabbed two from Hurting People Boy and did the same. (Oh my, what am I doing here?)

The result of that would have been blows if I hadn't been right there. In Your Face Girl (who was also right there) and Control Freak tried to intervene.  Chaos Boy tried to escape again. In Your Face Girl was making it hard for me to get him back to the carpet because she was wanting to hug me. I told her she needed to ask (she did) and then I answered no. (God help me! Have five minutes passed yet?)

There was no way they could make one track as a group, so I helped shape the track into something oval-ish. We drove (shared) trains on it for 30 seconds (Hurting People Boy looked like he was seething) and then I could tell we needed to clean up and be done. Control Freak Girl told everyone to line up at the door while In Your Face Girl tried to hug everyone. Impulse Control Boy had run down the hall and was already in his classroom. Chaos Boy escaped.

I couldn't decide if I should just sit on the floor and laugh, or make plans to try again.










Tuesday, October 14, 2014

the year of the lentil

Costco does something to me.  I have gone in there and bought one item. Really, I have. But if you get a cart, there is no way that you're getting out of there with just what's on your list. Assuming you have at least some common sense and go with a list. If you don't, I have no advice for you. I am a list person.

To begin, let's just acknowledge that nothing at Costco costs less than $20. There is much at Costco that costs more.  And our state allows Costco to sell wine, which I must say, they sell at a great price. I'll buy most brands of wine that cost less than $10 (which is less than $20, I know, but isn't the same so I'm not counting it.) So there are big items and there are glass bottles, but nothing is exactly cheap. A good bargain, yes, but cheap? No.

I try not to go there hungry. My kids very much want to accompany me when I go near lunch because they want to enjoy what we refer to as "Costco dim sum." I will taste some things and I will sometimes buy those items, but I think I only buy them if I wanted them anyway. Usually.  I realized last time I went to Costco that there's a "What the Hell" point after you've spent a certain amount.When my huge-assed cart gets full I know I'm passing the $200 mark and at that point what difference is a bag of dried mangoes? It can progress quickly after that. And that is why I have a three pound bag of lentils while having only one recipe which calls for lentils.

Please send lentil recipes.

My new little car can easily hold $300 worth of Costco goods even with my yoga mat in the back. It looks like it could hold much more but I am uninterested in testing it. 
 
This all reminds me of a story I meant to write here but never found the right time.  This summer, when the kids were home from school and around to beg me to wait on my Costco trip until closer to lunch so they could do their dim sum thing, Bug saw a stuffed bear. It was not just a stuffed bear though. It was a five foot tall stuffed bear. He drooled. I stood firm (yay for standing firm at Costco!) and told him he had to think for 24 hours before spending his own money on a five foot tall stuffed bear.  He waited. He dreamed of nothing that night but what to name his new bear. I should have told him to wait 48 hours. The boy is nothing if not determined.  But the next day I drove back over there with Bug and his wallet, and he dropped $30 on this:





Wednesday, October 8, 2014

past peak, prime, prepping

I've neglected the gardens during the hot summer. I always do.  But the last few weeks have been beautiful weather to get outdoors, so I've been digging in the dirt and assessing the membership of some plants. It seems as if the plants which have looked poor to mediocre for several years then thrive when others are faltering. I seldom get rid of a living plant. They're all welcome to try.


The Autumn Sedum has never looked more than meh here. It takes no care so I've kept it and now have three large clumps. This year however it shone. And I missed taking a picture of it in its prime.

The Beautyberry is just barely past prime. The berries on the lower branches haven't yet attracted the attention of birds like the ones on top. The branches which have fed the birds are stripped almost bare.

The second wave of fall color is approaching. I see subtle hints of color on the trees and the late bloomers are getting ready for their show. 

Here is the Obedient Plant. Buds start opening from the bottom and are only still developing. I'll have a sea of purple until Christmas.


Perhaps the chrysanthemums will come sooner. I'm hoping to have some purple/pink again, but the main location for them was totally wiped clean by last winter's cold. The yellow which were the primary color in this location are welcome, but will look better with company. We'll have to wait to see.


 I've dug up our whole mailbox area to replace the mailbox and redo the garden around it. There are piles of daylilies and iris buried in our compost right now. I intended to mark the date and color as the daylilies bloomed this summer, but few bloomed. They were very crowded which could explain it. I'll just put some in and see what I get. I'll sell the rest at a charity garden sale which is coming up.

I also potted up daisies. They don't look like much this time of year, so I don't know if they'll sell. A purchaser needs to have confidence and plant knowledge to buy spring and summer perennial at a garden sale in the fall.







Friday, October 3, 2014

parenting points

I did not say "Well that was stupid."
I did not say "Why the H*** did you do THAT?"
I did not say "You did WHAT?"
I did not say "You should have...."
I did not say "I guess you deserve this."
I did not say "Natural consequences, dear."

But dang it was hard to hold it in.