Tuesday, November 18, 2014

how to grow a project

This How To tutorial can be used in almost any circumstance. Simply replace your verbs and nouns with more specific words applying to your task.  However, if you follow this tutorial I am not responsible for your ensuing troubles, including but not limited to wallet shrinkage.

Stage One: Awareness
  1. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Mop it up and wash yet more towels.
  2. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room.  Note that it has happened before but put it to the back of your mind.
  3. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Note that it has happened before and decide to pay attention to when it happens.
  4. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room. Note that it is happening more regularly. Remember to mention it to your spouse.
  5. Notice the water on the floor of the laundry room.  Tell your spouse that this is the night the washer has to come out to inspect the situation.
Stage Two: Investigation
  1. Remove baseboards so washer can be moved. It fits tightly into the space. Very tightly.
  2. On the count of three, heave the washer out of the space. 
  3. Run a load of dirty towels which were used earlier in the day to mop up from the washer.
  4. Use three more towels to mop up from the washer which leaks while it washes the towels from before. Wonder where you got so many old towels.
  5. Note that the outside and underside of the washer are totally dry. Realize you're going to have to call a plumber.

Stage Three: Worry
  1. Panic when you see mold on the wall. Investigate black colored mold and discover that Black Mold is something really, really awful. 
  2. Buy gloves and face masks.
  3. Decide it is ordinary mold. Notice that the plumber is just using a sponge and bleach. 
  4. Decide that maybe you don't really care what kind of mold you have. Correct that to "had" and feel much better about decision.
Stage Four: Money (Technically this stage is easy)
  1. Regard calendar and daily schedules and arrange for plumber (conveniently also contractor.)
  2. Do it again when he says the problem is in the pipes inside the wall, not in the washer.
  3. And again when he says he needs to rip out the wall and possibly part of the slab.  
  4. Give him a key so he can come back three more times over the period of two weeks to check on the dampness of the wood studs in the wall and proclaim them, "still too wet" to close up the wall.
Stage Five: Adapting
  1.  Remain flexible about location of washer, which has been positioned in front of dryer and in front of door for three weeks now.
  2. Hit your head (again) and wonder how many more days until you can put the washer back.
  3. Wrench your back (again) and wonder how many more weeks until you can put the washer back.
  4. Get estimate for permanently moving both washer and dryer for future convenience. 
  5. Say "thanks anyway" to plumber (conveniently also contractor) and continue current discomfort for several more weeks.
Stage Six: False Congratulations
  1. Feel relief that the wood in the wall is finally dry enough for the wall to be rebuilt. Yay! The laundry room will return to its original state!
  2. Realize that plumber (conveniently also contractor) is putting up drywall. And coming back the next day to remud it. And the next Monday to sand it.
  3. Notice that drywall is green, mud is white. Room used to be dark blue.
  4. Realize that the new section of wall needs a coat of paint.
  5. But primer first.
Stage Seven: In for a Penny, In for a Pound
  1.  Discover that you have no dark blue paint since the room was this color when you bought the house in 1999.
  2. Think that it makes more sense to paint the room with one of the many leftover cans of paint you own. Maybe the kitchen's pale yellow.
  3. Two coats of primer. On the whole room.
Stage Eight: Start the Project
  1. Look at the amount of Stuff kept in that small space and watch it grow like a wet sponge as it comes out and fills the whole kitchen. Try to squeeze a step stool into the space vacated by all the stuff and see that it barely fits.
  2. Remove the switch plate covers with a screwdriver.
  3. Remove the shelving with a different one. And a hammer.
  4. Dust the dang walls so the spiderwebs and dryer lint don't get painted.
  5. Start priming the trim/edges, moving the step stool in and out multiple times and tripping over the washer hoses each time.
  6. Hit your head, elbow, hip and knee in a continuing sequence.
Stage Nine: It Will Never End
  1. As you wash primer from your brush, roller and hands, realize how many more times you'll need to do this since you can't even start half the room until the washer and dryer move to their original locations.Wonder if it will ever get done.
  2. Notice the build up of laundry around the house. Wonder if it will ever get done.


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